HOW TO SURVIVE THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY?
As my husband and I
celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary, people asked me to write about how to
achieve a successful marriage, so I’ll share a few of my thoughts on the
subject.
Getting married is
such a big commitment - we have all at least heard, if not experienced, this
fact of life. Frequently, however, we see that the supposed commitment is
broken with such ease that just the opposite becomes clear - people are, in
fact, not committed. From the get-go it was just an empty promise. Particularly
for those who, before they get married, are thinking, "if it doesn't work,
I'll divorce him/her."
I’m not advocating
here in favor of allowing someone to disrespect our spiritual, physical, or
emotional boundaries, as would happen in an abusive relationship. Abuse should
not be tolerated. What I’m talking about is the kind of commitment that gives
us the internal strength that allows us to fight to unknown limits in order to
save a good relationship with a person who’s worth the effort.
To break it down,
let’s say that the good times are those whimsical periods in which everything
goes well; when both parties are very agreeable and there is almost no
noticeable difficulty. This period usually happens in the beginning, and during
many different periods along the life of the marriage. After a few weeks, even a few months, when
we discover the differences we have with our partner, the bad becomes obvious.
Even though we try to be tolerant, it is not always possible. The friction –
from differences in education and customs and from those shenanigans that we do
every day – becomes insufferable. The arguments ensue, the passive-aggressive
behaviors take center stage, and we start double-guessing our decision to tie
our life to such an undesirable person, who quite frankly doesn't listen,
doesn't understand, is selfish, and is not willing to change. Since using logic doesn't seem to work, and
yelling worsens things, we keep those feelings silent. We avoid making waves
until the day comes when we cannot stand it any more and hell breaks loose.
Then we start considering the possibility of divorce. Yes, most successful
marriages have gone through these periods, also.
In my view, it is at
these very moments when the difference can be seen between a successful
marriage and one that ends in divorce. Marriage is a contract, after all. Those
couples who stop in their tracks during the difficult times and go back to
analyzing why they signed this "contract" in the first place, have a
better chance of achieving their common
goal. As in business, when we sign the
contract we shouldn't expect that it'll be an effortless endeavor, or that we
won't find pebbles, stones, rocks, or even boulders in the way. We sign knowing
that we will overcome almost anything in order to realize the desired outcome.
But wait, we have not
yet gotten to the ugly part of marriage, which I consider those periods in
which huge, life-altering events come our way, out of the blue in most
instances. Those moments in which it seems like not only the marriage, but also
the whole world is coming to an end (most couples go through at least one of
these periods, if not a few). It is then that a couple needs full commitment,
the decision to succeed, and reassurance that they can hold onto each other
until the storm passes.
You may have noticed
that I used the word successful, and not “long-lasting” marriage, as these two
things are not necessarily the same. A successful marriage is one that both
parties value and enjoy throughout the years. A long-lasting marriage may
persist even if one or both people are miserable but for one reason or another
– family pressure, custom, or finances – it doesn't get dissolved. Long-lasting, successful marriages aren't
always easy and breezy, but they are not impossible either, as long as we
choose the right person – not necessarily the cutest, funniest, or richest, but
the one who’s going to have the same level of love, respect, and commitment to
work on the relationship as we do.
Then, our marriage
will be strong enough to survive the good, the bad, and the ugly, hand-in-hand
with the one we love.
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