RECENT REALIZATIONS

EMPTY NEST OR WELCOME LIBERTY!

By Silvia Uribe

Yep. I'm the very proud mother of 2 young, smart, educated, independent women. I'm in my 50's, and I have devoted 30 years of my life to giving these human beings my very best with all my love, effort, time, advice, and most importantly, with my example. During these years, I watched them like a hawk, hovering over them, but not only to protect them – although no one would have been allowed to hurt them on my watch – it was more for guidance. It was very important for me to teach them about life, and about the art of making intelligent decisions; a handy skill that they would use all their life.

True, 30 years is a long time, but for responsible parents, as you know, time means absolutely nothing. They are up early, go to work, come back to cook and clean, and at night, if need be, they are ready to take care of an ill child. Do parents complain about this? All the time! However, if someone would offer to take care of our little one while he/she is boiling in fever, so we could have a good night sleep, most of us would have not taken the offer. Why? Because parenthood is an arbitrary and self-imposed control of our hearts, minds and bodies. However, for it is self-imposed, we simply assume it.

That’s exactly how I experienced it. My family and I went from one day to the next, with lots of love, laughter, enjoyment of life, and collectively, we took all the lessons that life gave us, and we moved right through them, until just a few months ago.

Last November, my oldest got married, and moved to a different city. Her wedding was perfect! The guests were the most loving guests. The bride and the groom couldn't be happier, and both families were walking on clouds. Everything was so perfect, that it was a rather surreal experience. When I finally touched ground again, in December, our youngest daughter made the decision of living independently, and moved out. She had contemplated the idea for a few months, and she did it.

After cleaning what was left behind, I found myself looking at the empty rooms like I have never seen them. They seemed bigger, lighter, inviting. But their rooms were not the only think that changed. All of a sudden, almost magically, my husband and I had more time to spend with each other. Go figure! Good thing we kept our love intact after all these years, right?

People ask about our empty nest. They wonder if I am doing ok with our new state of life. They say things like “Take it easy” and  “You’ll get used to it” – Hell yeah!

I’m finding out that as much as I enjoyed raising my daughters, I am enjoying the fact that I am back in possession of my freedom, my time, my house.  So, if you are anywhere near, or already at this stage that I’m in, here are five tips that may help you go with the flow faster. I'm sure you'll think of more:

1    1) Start thinking about what YOU like!  Find an interest – or two – for yourself. Whether work related, or volunteering, or doing something artistic.

2    2) Make whatever you like for dinner, or don’t. Cooking is a free ride for you now. Make it when you want, IF you want.

3    3)  Move furniture around the house, or change some pieces if you can. You are in/at a different space in your life. Make your living space reflect it.

4    4) Treat your children as the adults they are. You are now an advisor.  The fact that they don’t “need” you as they did before means that you did a good job raising them.

5    5) Redirect your energy. Time spent with our kids will always be time well spent. But, as their priorities have changed, your priority now should be yourself and your spouse or partner, if you have one.

So, it may be an empty nest now, but being able to savor our liberty again, is not only a welcomed surprise, but also a satisfying way to live life after fifty.

WE ARE A COMMUNITY

And we can come together to serve a greater purpose

By Silvia Uribe

 

This is a tale of a beautiful young woman and her family, her church family, and a caring community, and how they (we) all came together in a time of crisis.

During her birthday party, in December 2014, 17 year old Grace Fisher suddenly began to feel alarming sensations in her body. Her hands were numb and her neck sore. She insisted they call 911, and she was rushed to the hospital.  After getting to the hospital, she gradually lost all mobility. Grace had to be intubated, unable even to breathe on her own.  This came as a shockwave that hit those who know her, including her friends, and her schoolmates and teachers at Santa BArbara High School.

Due to an unknown reason Grace contracted acute flaccid myelitis, a polio-like, paralyzing syndrome that has impacted 107 children in 34 states between August of 2014 and January of this year; Grace is only the 101st child patient to be diagnosed in our country.

Although Grace had medical insurance coverage, after a month in the hospital, the medical out of pocket expenses for her family were exponentially mounting. The idea of a fundraising event was brought up. This idea resonated with the Missions Committee at the First United Methodist Church, which already had a fundraiser planned with Via Maestra Providing the food. When they learned about Grace's family situation, it was decided to make Gracie the beneficiary, instead. From that, an outpouring of love, compassion, and positive energy emanated. 

The Moiso family, members of the church, and owners of the well-known restaurant Via Maestra 42, prepared and donated food for all those who would be willing to pay $25 for a meal. Many church members, rapidly RSVP'd and signed up to help with setting up, waiting tables, dish washing, and with clean up.  Other people advertised the event via Facebook, by email, and in any other possible way. It was widely announced that 100% of the proceeds would go directly to the family. The media, KEYT3 and Santa Barbara NewsPress played a crucial role informing the greater Santa BArbara area, in a compassionate and socially responsible way.

The rest is history.

Over five hundred people, from all walks of life in our community, gathered to achieve one single purpose: To support one child and her family during this crisis.  It was refreshing to see strangers interacting with each other, greeting each other, like old friends would do, except this was probably the first time they had ever met! My self-imposed duty that day, was to clean up tables, and although my intention was not to eves drop, I couldn’t help but listening to some of the conversations. One woman said “there is something for all of us to learn out of what has happened to Grace, and it is that we are still a community and we can come together to serve one greater purpose, no matter where we come from, what we do, or who we are. We sometimes forget about that”  Totally agreed!

The results? More than $34,000 were raised, at the event, and more donations are still coming in.

You can still make a donation:

Gracie Fisher Fund
308 Paseo Del Descanso
Santa Barbara, CA 93105

Grace was air transported last Wednesday, and she is now at the Craig Rehab Hospital just outside of Denver, Colorado. For updates on Gracie’s progress, see web site:   http://www.posthope.org/gracefisher  

If you are interested in sending Grace and her family a note of hope you can do it at:

Hospital Address: Craig Hospital
c/o Grace Fisher
3425 South Clarkson St.

                                Englewood, CO 80113 

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

HOW TO SURVIVE THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY?

As my husband and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary, people asked me to write about how to achieve a successful marriage, so I’ll share a few of my thoughts on the subject.

Getting married is such a big commitment - we have all at least heard, if not experienced, this fact of life. Frequently, however, we see that the supposed commitment is broken with such ease that just the opposite becomes clear - people are, in fact, not committed. From the get-go it was just an empty promise. Particularly for those who, before they get married, are thinking, "if it doesn't work, I'll divorce him/her."

I’m not advocating here in favor of allowing someone to disrespect our spiritual, physical, or emotional boundaries, as would happen in an abusive relationship. Abuse should not be tolerated. What I’m talking about is the kind of commitment that gives us the internal strength that allows us to fight to unknown limits in order to save a good relationship with a person who’s worth the effort.

To break it down, let’s say that the good times are those whimsical periods in which everything goes well; when both parties are very agreeable and there is almost no noticeable difficulty. This period usually happens in the beginning, and during many different periods along the life of the marriage.   After a few weeks, even a few months, when we discover the differences we have with our partner, the bad becomes obvious. Even though we try to be tolerant, it is not always possible. The friction – from differences in education and customs and from those shenanigans that we do every day – becomes insufferable. The arguments ensue, the passive-aggressive behaviors take center stage, and we start double-guessing our decision to tie our life to such an undesirable person, who quite frankly doesn't listen, doesn't understand, is selfish, and is not willing to change.   Since using logic doesn't seem to work, and yelling worsens things, we keep those feelings silent. We avoid making waves until the day comes when we cannot stand it any more and hell breaks loose. Then we start considering the possibility of divorce. Yes, most successful marriages have gone through these periods, also.

In my view, it is at these very moments when the difference can be seen between a successful marriage and one that ends in divorce. Marriage is a contract, after all. Those couples who stop in their tracks during the difficult times and go back to analyzing why they signed this "contract" in the first place, have a better chance of achieving  their common goal.  As in business, when we sign the contract we shouldn't expect that it'll be an effortless endeavor, or that we won't find pebbles, stones, rocks, or even boulders in the way. We sign knowing that we will overcome almost anything in order to realize the desired outcome.

But wait, we have not yet gotten to the ugly part of marriage, which I consider those periods in which huge, life-altering events come our way, out of the blue in most instances. Those moments in which it seems like not only the marriage, but also the whole world is coming to an end (most couples go through at least one of these periods, if not a few). It is then that a couple needs full commitment, the decision to succeed, and reassurance that they can hold onto each other until the storm passes.

You may have noticed that I used the word successful, and not “long-lasting” marriage, as these two things are not necessarily the same. A successful marriage is one that both parties value and enjoy throughout the years. A long-lasting marriage may persist even if one or both people are miserable but for one reason or another – family pressure, custom, or finances – it doesn't get dissolved.   Long-lasting, successful marriages aren't always easy and breezy, but they are not impossible either, as long as we choose the right person – not necessarily the cutest, funniest, or richest, but the one who’s going to have the same level of love, respect, and commitment to work on the relationship as we do.

Then, our marriage will be strong enough to survive the good, the bad, and the ugly, hand-in-hand with the one we love.

Parents: Guides or Cheerleaders?

How Much Is Too Much Praise?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

This might be one of those times in which I get in trouble with my readers, as I do every now and then. When I do, it is usually because my opinion goes against what’s trendy or, at the very least, considered as accepted in today’s society. So, here I go.

Since we just passed graduation time, let me say this. I have an issue with children having big graduation celebrations — with guests, presents, and fancy parties — before finishing high school, and in general, with parents overly praising their children for everything they do.

Some parents exaggerate their praises even when their children have done nothing at all. Have you watched the show “Sweet 16,” or attended a “Quinceañera” lately? Praising children for what they do well is one thing, and I completely support encouraging them, the same way I support parents being their children’s handy behavior thermometer. When they do something good or when they are responsible, we should moderately praise them; when they don’t, we should give them feedback — from a couple of words or time-out to eliminating privileges, depending on the child’s age. It is all about balance.

As parents, our role is to be our children’s guide, not just their cheerleaders.
If we excessively or disproportionately praise them, we’re at risk of causing the opposite effect than the one we’re trying to attain. Throwing a big graduation party, for example, before finishing high school could harm our children more than it could help them get ahead with their academic achievements.

Why? Because it is like with anything else: Human beings try to accomplish the things that they can dream about.

When kids see what a high school or college graduation entails, all the preparations, the presents given, the diploma, the party, and in general, the excitement that this generates in our society, it is something that they can look forward to. That’s the right time to really praise our youth for a successful career as a student. The message here is this: First comes the commitment, then the effort, then the dedication, and at the end, the big celebration.

That's how life goes. Is it not our goal as parents to give our children tools that they can use to craft a successful life for themselves? The meaning of that celebration gets diluted if we do it over and over, starting from kindergarten. If we take the anticipation from the equation, what are they going to look forward to? The risk with this lack of motivation is that they may be tempted to not finish their basic education, and the consequences could be devastating - they wouldn't have the knowledge to succeed in an increasingly competitive world.

The messages that we communicate to our children with our actions, are even more important than those spoken. We should avoid communicating that little or no effort will do the trick for them in the future, or that others should or would be as accepting and benevolent with them as we as parents are.

Our children are special to no one else but us, their parents. For others, our children are exactly like any other kid now and will be treated like any other adult in the future.

They will have the same challenges we had, or more, and we better make sure that they have the tools to rise above those challenges and understand that they will need the abilities, the resiliency, the brains, and good work habits to succeed. If we as parents exceed our praises, they will expect the same thing from the rest of the world, and that would make for a false promise that we're making to them.

Let’s give our children the right praises in the right amount, at the right time, and let’s also teach them that nothing will be simply given to them because they’re cute. Let’s not make them feel special, but smart and capable.

And, let’s also make sure they know that the only path to success is hard work and an endless amount of perseverance on their part.

ARE WE THERE YET?

By Silvia Uribe

A few days back I went to see The Hunger Games, which was in three of the six movie theaters at Goleta’s Camino Real Marketplace. I didn’t read any of the three books on which this movie was based, so I didn’t have any particular expectation about it. I didn’t have great interest in it either. Judging it by the name, I was convinced it would be a rather depressing movie. I was right.

Don’t get me wrong. The movie has what one can call a “happy ending," which I won’t spoil, in case you haven’t seen it. But, the more the movie progressed, the more I was subject to the unsettling feeling that this movie presaged some sort of reality the initial stages of which we are already living. Yes, I’m talking about the reality of our infamous “reality shows."


The parallels are stunning, if you think about it. People chosen to be a part of the entertainment have to do whatever the producers tell them in order to get the prize. Like in the movie, we reality show fans are avid consumers of whatever is sold to us as “fun to watch.” But – is it really? Or are we simply becoming insensitive, uncompassionate, and, to put it plainly, dehumanized beings? Is it right for us to laugh about other people’s misery, vices, depression, pain, or confusion?

Although I don’t watch a lot of TV shows in general, just by surfing the channels I’m aware of a number of them - which many times seem to be the only option available - that could very well be driving us to not think for ourselves, and to simply follow the path others draw for us. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

- The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette – Self-abasement for fifteen minutes of fame.
- Hoarders – Extremely depressed individuals who bury themselves alive.
- Intervention – Drug addicts who at times consume in front of the cameras.
- Jersey Shore – Low-living individuals with amazingly high levels of ignorance.
- Wiped out – People risking their lives on a bad fall sparkled with snarky comments
- Ultimate Fighter (UFC) – Pure bestiality.
- Toddlers & Tiaras – Bordering on child abuse.
- Sweet 16 – Brats’ empowerment at its best

Is this uplifting, positive, or even interesting? I venture to say that most of us don’t think it is. However, driven by a morbid impulse, we keep watching.

Who is to say that one of the Intervention participants won’t inadvertently overdose in front of the camera, or that one of the Jersey Shore cast members won’t badly hurt another one during one of their drunken brawls? What if one or more of the Wiped Out participants “accidentally” breaks their neck? Or if, while we’re watching, an ultimate fighter gets killed?

Will we stop watching then? Or are we going to coldly say that they knew what they were getting into? And will this explanation help convince us that we bear no responsibility whatsoever? Oh, wait a minute. Didn’t the husband of one of the Real Housewives commit suicide? Yes, he did.


To be fair, there are a few positive "reality" shows on the air, too. What Would You Do?, Undercover Boss, Restaurant Impossible, What Not to Wear, and a couple more. However, they don’t get half the attention from the media and the public as the other ones do.

At the pace we’re going, in not too long, our children may be “volunteering” for The Hunger Games. The question is: will we – like the colorful people in the movie – still be watching?

 

There's Runners and Then There's Runners

A Taste of the Santa Barbara International Marathon 2011

By Silvia Uribe

I heard cheers and claps coming from who-knows-where. "What’s that?" I thought, turning and snuggling even deeper in my bed. The noise continued. What the heck? Who’s yelling, and why? On a Saturday morning, my place at the end of the woods is quite peaceful — usually. It was not very early, but I had been out the night before, and at 7:30 in the morning my eyes resisted opening as if they were super-glued shut.

When I first peeked beyond my balcony, I could see people standing, jumping up and down. Then, looking a little further, I saw some runners coming down the street. Of course! I had completely forgotten that the Santa Barbara International Marathon was taking place, in both Goleta and in Santa Barbara.


It’s been a long while since I was a runner. Many years, to give you an idea. However, the whole running thing came back into my life when my best friend Lucy picked it up. She took it very seriously, as she does just about everything. I never did. For me, it was an invigorating thing to do and a great opportunity to enjoy the freshness of the early morning, feel the wind on my body, and see the greenery in the huge park where I ran. I did it to fill my senses, to replenish, day after day, my desire to “smell the roses” and to ponder the ideas that were relevant at the time. It would have never occurred to me to make that peaceful alone-time a competition.

With Lucy, the story is very different. She runs every day, seven days a week. When she doesn’t run, she’s in trouble, and the rest of the world is in trouble because of her. And so, it became clear to me that it was better to encourage her running urges than to have to deal with her titter-totter moods. However, through this passion of hers, the whole runners’ culture was unveiled to me.

I learned, for example, that serious runners are incredibly committed. From their eating to their sleeping patterns, they impose increasingly rigid trainings on themselves, particularly when they’re about to participate in a race, and they constantly work on their endurance — never mind the stomach pains, the sudden cramps, or adverse weather conditions. Sometimes runners suffer strain fractures, which take months to heal; other times their toenails turn black and fall off due to their toes smashing against the running shoes for extended periods of time.

They also have to learn how to run. Although one would think that this is a natural thing to learn when we’re toddlers, serious runners learn how to save the most energy — from pacing themselves, to running with their arms next to their body, without swinging too much from one side to the other — you get the picture. They are competitive in a very personal way because when they compete, really, they only compete against themselves. And so it is that, little by little, they reduce their time — even by a few seconds — and become faster runners.

I could never have that kind of patience, dedication, and commitment. But to get back to my point, more than half of the marathon happened in Goleta (a little over 15 of the 26.2 total miles). It started at Dos Pueblos High School, jumped the freeway and went down to the Ellwood area, then to Winchester and back up to Cathedral Oaks until it reached the Turnpike area. Then it continued through Santa Barbara, ending at Santa Barbara City College.

No matter that I had forgotten about the marathon up to that moment. Once I woke up enough to be aware of what was going on just outside my window, I immediately threw on my jeans and a T-shirt, brushed my teeth and my hair as quickly as possible, and grabbed a sweatshirt as I rushed out the door to join the crowd less than 10 minutes later. I didn’t want to miss the sight of those incredible people who are able to do something that I never will.

This is the kind of community event that Goleta residents, like myself, love to see happening in The Good Land, events that provide our children with a good example of how to live a healthy life and show them how to use their free time doing something positive and exciting at the same time.

I’m happy to report that the Santa Barbara International Marathon, with over 5,000 participants, was a great success this year, and it is only expected to become better every year. Next year’s race will be on Saturday, November 10, 2012. If you want to register, or if you want more information, go to sbimarathon.com.

WHO'S “GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL?”

By Silvia Uribe.

No one argues that there’s no such thing as “what women like”, when it comes to men. Some are attracted to dark- skinned men, or rich men, or funny guys, or dreamers, or romantics. But, whatever they look like, or they do, it is difficult to find the right person. The same exact thing can be said about men. Women, and men, of all ages, have problems finding what I call good prospects. Abi, my grandma, used to define them as “good marriage material.”

We understand what she meant, but what was she really talking about? Well, a person who is “good marriage material” has the necessary traits that would make him/her a good husband or wife. This of course doesn’t assure that the person you consider good marriage material will propose to you. That, only time will tell. But, if your love interest has these characteristics it will be an indicator that you’re not wasting your time hopelessly, risking to fall in love with someone that you really don’t want in your life, for the long run. It basically gives you a safer place to start.

“Heart and brain should work together and not at an alternating rhythm” Abi used to say.

According to her, these main things are: that the person comes from a family that enjoys spending time together – meaning he/she already knows the value of a family; that the person has no vices – or the money will be devoted to pay for them. The person was brought up in a religion – so they have good moral values, and that the person is financially independent – simply to avoid undesirable “leaches.”

I can almost hear Abi’s decided tone: “you should also be able to have long conversations with that person about something other than sex, drinks, or any sort of imaginary, virtual adventures. During those conversations, find out about which accomplishments make that person most proud, about goals for the future in general (not related to you), and what is she/he is doing to accomplish those goals. These conversations will show you how determined this person is. Plus, if your communication is good, you’re ahead in the game”. Abi always said: “those who can talk and laugh together, can live together.”

And, for your own safety, of course, never forget to make sure that this person is respectful of you physically, verbally, and emotionally.

Abi’s “marriage material” characteristics are things that you cannot request, create, nor change. Either they are there or they aren’t. So, don’t fool yourself thinking that the person will change.”

A close friend of mine, Maru, didn’t count on Abi’s advice. She met a man who was handsome and funny but whose only real interest was money. He had no moral values, he played cards and bet on horse races. He was disrespectful to her, and physically aggressive. Maru now accepts that she saw these warning signs, but chose to ignore them, hoping that he would change once they tied the nut. After a few agonizing years of marriage due to his constant abuses and cheating tendencies, he left her with a bruised body, and a broken soul. On top of everything, and using his financial power, he also made good on his threat of taking her son and her daughter away from her.

Unfortunately, Maru’s story is not that uncommon.

I never heard Abi talk about intuition. But in my experience, this is crucial in love affairs. On intuition, I have one thing to say: Trust yourself. There are many times that people feel that something is not right with their significant other, and ignore it. They easily disregard the signs in their stubbornness to go on with the relationship. However, they later realize – usually the hard way – that their intuition was right.

We know that no one is perfect, and will never be. So, once you find someone who’s “good marriage material” be ready to make some concessions from your list (I assume you have one already) of additional requirements that may not be as important in the big scheme of things.

Remember, no one has the recipe for happiness, but if you start with “good marriage material” your chances increase considerably.

Only Words?

by Silvia Uribe

Words are never only words. Words, although very common, are also like magic tools to communicate thoughts that have no color, no form, no smell, and transform these into something concrete, something that we can imagine, and almost touch.

We also use words to dress our feelings. Sometimes we dress them up with distinction and elegance, and other times with rather simple, everyday attire. Words allow us to reveal what’s in our heart, and by doing this, they assist us in understanding, and in bringing us close to one another.

Words are also like a double-edged sword. They can hurt when we are careless, but when used with tenderness, they work like unexpected healers. They can make us laugh or cry. They can surprise us or make us bored. They can open our mind to imagine great things, or they can make it very narrow. They are the golden key to open other people’s heart, inviting them to share their dreams, and their fears. Words are so powerful that even when unspoken, their mere absence may reveal what we’re trying to hide.

As with any other tool, we should be handling them with care, always taking responsibility for how we use them.

We shouldn’t make another person feel bad and then pretend that we were only joking. We should not lie, and try to make the other person responsible for not knowing the truth. By the same token, we should not give ill intended advice, or invite violence and declare, when violence erupts, that we were not its source.

Our words, then, should be used with care. Our family and our friends, as well as our acquaintances, just like any other person, deserve that we consider the way we use words particularly, when our racing emotions attempt to get the best of us. Although it may seem extremely difficult, it is in these situations when we should take greater control of our words, considering that once they come out of our mouth, their effect is irreversible. We can apologize, and we can be forgiven, but hurtful words will never be forgotten. In fact, words will stay in our minds as perpetual reminders of love or hate, happiness or pain, violence or peace.

Following this advice will bring immediate benefits to our everyday life. By extension, the words we choose along our journey, will determine whether we will end our days in the company of those whom we love, or in excruciating solitude.

The choice is ours.

Give Your Input

Whose fault is it when adolescent kids take the wrong path in life? Give me your 5 cents.

Kids on Leashes?

By Silvia Uribe
Jun 26, 2010

As someone who was raised in a Latino household, there are some things that I cannot completely understand in the American culture. Parents who gear their child up with "body harnesses" is one of them. Why would they want to have their kid on a leash?

I have raised my two daughters, who were like any other children - active, busy little children who were always discovering new things - interested in everything. As most parents, I too had the fear of them stepping off the curb, or getting lost in the middle of a busy street or in a crowded store. I can understand that part, but the leash part is too extreme.

Humans, no matter their size, should not be chained, nor leashed. I find this humiliating.

The fact that children are little should not translate into the assumption that they cannot understand what we tell them. They might be little, but they're not stupid. Actually, they are far smarter than we believe.

It seems like leash-ready parents have missed a very important point: Children can learn whatever we teach them. It gets better. The younger they are, the more they can learn. It simply takes for adults to put in the time and the effort in teaching them in a way they can understand.

The problem of children getting inadvertently away from their parents is one that my family solved several generations ago. Since my great grandma's time, children have been taught to be safe on the streets or anywhere where crowds were present - which in my over-populated Mexico City this means everywhere.

Here lies the secret. They make the little ones watch for the adults, as opposed to expecting adults to watch out for them. Simple tactic. Basically, by switching roles, they got rid of the problem.

My mother, for example, would say something like, "We're going shopping (or any other activity) so I'm not going to be watching you. You can move around as long as you don't lose sight of me. I'll be moving around too, so you have to pay close attention. If we get separated, I won't know where to find you, and I will have to go home by myself." I totally believed her.

And, she would always close with, "This is mommy's time, you need to behave, watch me and don't interrupt unless it is something very important."

And, so I did, and I never felt unloved or traumatized by this.

I did the same thing with my children, and I was usually able to shop peacefully, to talk to people, or to simply take a nice stroll without either having to constantly run after or be interrupted by my children. It was not that difficult to make them understand that their safety was very important to me, but that it should be more important to them.

With that approach, they also learned that when we were out and about as a family, we all had the same right to enjoy our outing, and that having to run after them all the time was not fun for us parents. They learned to think about others and not only about themselves.

Of course, we made sure that our family activities included things they liked, like running in the park, and playing on the swings. My husband and I fully participated with them. Likewise, when we were doing more ‘adult' activities like visiting with friends or having a cup of coffee downtown, we made sure to explain to them that the expectation was for them to also participate with us.

Today, my children would tell when asked that they were always happy, normal kids who enjoyed being active. They would also tell how they were constantly looking back to see what their parents were doing, and where they were going.

We were always vigilant, but they were mostly able to control themselves … no leash was necessary.

Talking to children, and teaching them reasoning skills, should start from day one. As parents, we should be the ones who guide, set clear boundaries and impose loving discipline. It is our responsibility to teach them leadership by example.

Of course, parents have to invest more time than they would by placing their children on a leash. But, by doing so, they will learn communication skills, respect for authority, and ultimately, a positive and respectful family dynamic will be created.

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.

Cross-published on http://www.edhat.com/

Fun And Parenting

Not An Oxymoron
By Silvia Uribe

While having breakfast and overlooking the peaceful blue Santa Barbara Ocean, my friend Samantha and I were talking about how much fun being a parent could be! Chatting under the shade on yet another glorious day at the California central coast, we agreed that it all depends on whether we set clear rules, expectations, and boundaries for our children.

It may sound a little too confining, but out in the world, children will have to play by the rules that the school, or the workplace (depending on their age) imposes. So, setting clear rules since the time they're little, not only benefits them and prepares them to be functional in the future, but it makes our job as parents way easier. Rules teach them discipline, and discipline is the ingredient that they will use to make magic happen for themselves time after time.

They need discipline for studying, for working, and also for socializing. No one really wants to hang out with an obnoxious person who doesn't know how to comply with the basic rules of society. When teaching discipline, we should be able to convey that honest mistakes are acceptable to give them balance. When we tell our children to apply themselves, pursue their dreams, and never give up, we're giving them the perfect recipe for discipline and persistence, mixed with a pinch of encouragement.

But beware! If we want them to learn discipline it is we who first need to be disciplined and consistent as we are raising them. Remember, our children's job is to grow up, play, and test the limits. Our task as parents becomes particularly more complex in their pre-teenage and teenage years, when they feel they're all grown up, when they have a know-it-all attitude, and when they want to fit in their group by conforming to "everything" that the group says and wants.

Many parents fear these years. However, my friend and I agreed that these are precisely the years that are most fun of all. Trust me, there's nothing to fear; we just need to stop treating our children as three year olds in teenager bodies. It is then when we need to raise the bar and expect more from them. Of course, they will challenge us, but the thing is, they will need us more than ever! You know, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a mouth that won't repeat their secrets. If we've done a good job previously, they will only need firm reminders of how things should be, of what's expected of them, and about the fact that we trust them to do what's right.

What they need from us is emotional support through this difficult stage in which they feel insecure, weak, unloved, unaccepted, and curious about e-very-thing! Our job is to help them become stronger. This is the perfect time to be the strong and loving parent figure (not another friend), and at the same time, build the kind of trust that lasts forever! Plus, it is truly enjoyable to witness their blossoming process.

It is not uncommon for Latino children to live at their parents' home after they become adults. But today, with our country's difficult financial situation, this has become a general trend, it seems. Unfortunately, I've seen friends that do not establish clear boundaries and acceptable behaviors for their adult children when they move back in, and of course, disaster happens! This situation frequently nests abusive behaviors on the children's part, and an uncomfortable environment for the parents.

If it is true that the words fun and parenting together are not an oxymoron, they are not synonyms either. We all know this! The parenting path sometimes looks long, at times lonely, and frequently, too complicated. But those of us who have raised children know what a joy it is, in the end, to see them become the best they can be. It is then when you will look back and laugh at the tears you cried, and at the battles you fought, like Samantha and I laughed. Then you'll see with satisfaction that it was fun and worth it.

Here's our wisdom capsule: if you have young children, make them your number one priority and devote to them all the time they need (no excuses). Enjoy each and every step of your way; celebrate the ups and learn from the downs. Teach them to be disciplined, and respectful of themselves, you and others, and show them that they can trust you. Be consistent with your rules, and don't be petty in demonstrating them your love. Children who grow up with love cannot turn out to be bad human beings.

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.

Cross-posted at edhat.com

Motherly Indiscretions

By Silvia Uribe

When my husband and I decided to form a family, we planned for it. But we planned in a non-traditional way. We didn't plan to wait, enjoy life, and adjust to each other. We certainly didn't plan our finances. At the time, we didn't have a lot of money, but we still wanted to raise a baby or two. And we did.

What we did carefully plan was what kind of upbringing we wanted our children to have. We had numerous conversations regarding important things such as discipline, values, and how to make their lives easier on us when they became adults.

To accomplish this task, we knew we had to teach them how to make good decisions. There was a calculated risk that we also prepared for: at some point they would probably make decisions that we wouldn't like. We took the risk.

Since then, as parents, we have been involved in every step of their lives. We have let them decide some things, be successful, and we have let them make mistakes. But, we always had their back. As time passed, they were able to put their decision-making skills in practice more and more. However, we knew, and they did too, that in case of an irreconcilable disagreement, it was us parents, and not them, who had the last word. There was no doubt about that! This understanding lasted until they became adults, and even longer, until they became financially independent.

When our oldest daughter left home to explore the world and her soul in a far, far away land, some years ago, we had to learn to detach. Take into consideration that we are a traditional Latino family that spends all the time we can together. We are best friends, and laugh together while arguing for endless hours about the silliest of things at the dinner table. And yes, we also fight about the most stupid things. As you can imagine, detaching, to us, was very uncomfortable and painful. But, with time, we got used to it.

Having gone through those stages, I can tell you that the biggest challenging, for us, was getting used to not having the last word. Don't take me wrong. It feels very good to see that our children can make good decisions and that they can fly with their own wings. It is good that they are successful, smart, and secure of themselves. And it is good that the huge responsibility of their well being is not on our shoulders anymore. We feel that our mission was accomplished!

Like most parents, we welcomed this liberating side of the detachment process. But what about the little details, the everyday things life is full of? What happens with giving our advice, whether our children want to hear it or not? At the same time we feel that if we don't advise them, we're failing them. But how true is that? Do they really need our opinion on how their apartment should be decorated, what they should wear, the design of their stationary, or who they're dating, even when they don't ask?

The fact is, these unimportant, unsolicited opinions could potentially damage our relationship with our children forever. I've seen that happening to other family members and friends. To avoid this, we only have to change positions. When did we ever appreciate someone telling us what to do or have in our own home, who to hang out with, what to eat or what to wear? Never! Thus, the logical thing is not to do it!

However, this is easier said than done. This, precisely, is the new stage that I am in. Although I consider myself quite adaptable, this discrete behavior is not coming naturally to me. It is taking a while for the whole concept to sink in. I think I'm catching myself every time I want to be motherly, indiscreet, nosey, imprudent, or plainly annoying. But it is taking a great effort on my part, given my spontaneous Latino temperament, fatally combined with my lack of patience.

But we learn as we go. I thought I had learned how to be a mom a while ago. The fact is, my children keep teaching me important lessons everyday, despite our ages. This makes me wonder. Who benefits more from a parent-child relationship? And, which one of the two is bound to grow more?

Have a fabulous Mother's Day!

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.

Cross-posted at Edhat.com

Children by Design

By Silvia Uribe

Children made to order will be possible in not too long! As a society, we have accomplished a lot in the science field, and now we also need to think about how far we want to go. It is almost certain that during our lifetime we will have to face important decisions on whether we want to create a new kind of humanity; namely an enhanced one, or to be more specific, one with "super-humans". How will this be possible? Genetic engineering is the answer.

Genetic engineering is defined as the process of inserting new genetic information into existing cells in order to modify a specific organism for the purpose of changing one (or more) of its characteristics.

This genetic manipulation is still imperfect. Many of the lab trials with rats have not yielded the expected results. In these cases, scientists get rid of the imperfect creatures, keeping only the "successful" ones. Because present laws stipulate that the same cannot be done with a human embryo or fetus, scientist will have to perfect their systems before genetic engineering is considered a safe practice. Then, it will be widely launched to the general public. This means that we still have some time to think about the repercussions, whichever they may be, of creating improved human beings.

If we just take it at face value, it sounds like a dream come true. It seems like everyone will be better off in every possible way. But is that so? Perhaps we need to be a little more analytical and think, for instance, that even though scientists will get to an acceptable level of safety, the truth is that we cannot expect it to be 100% safe. When messing with genetics, we cannot begin to imagine what the consequences may be should things not go the way we want them to.

We should ask ourselves, are we willing to take the risk? And if we were, what would happen to those human beings to whom science fails? Would we allow them to live, or would we decide to terminate the lives that are negatively affected? As I'm writing this, minuscule electric shocks go up and down my spine! It is almost as if we're talking about an inanimate object, not about a person … certainly not about our children, or our grandchildren!

But why be so pessimistic! Let's think about those instances in which science will be successful. First of all, let's take a step back and bring it more to a personal level. Think about what traits you would want to ensure in your children. You could choose the gender and the color of their eyes and hair. Would you like to select their height or a particular type of body? Longevity could be also a choice. Have you thought about giving them a superior intelligence and bullet-proof health (i.e. no infancy related illnesses?) Why not have it all?

As we can imagine, all these enhancements will cost money, a lot of money! This mere fact faces us with yet an additional set of considerations. If only those who have the financial means could pay for genetic enhancements, what will happen with the rest of the world population who cannot? It is not hard to imagine that automatically there will be two classes of human beings: those enhanced, and those who are not. There will be a truly superior class, and, by consequence, an inferior one. Sounds familiar? Wasn't this Hitler's dream?

Like I said, time is on our side to ponder about this now. We need to think about these issues not only from a pragmatic, but also from an ethical point of view. If we are spiritual or religiously oriented, is our conscience ok with this? And if we are not spiritual, nor religious, but we hope to live in a world with more social justice, what will the social consequences of having two different classes of human beings be? Are we prepared to deal with those consequences?

We live in a world that is mostly driven by the rules of supply and demand. It is we as consumers and donors who will be able to determine how far we want scientists to go in their pursuit of human perfection. We're not only talking about animals' lives that are being spared now (frequently, in an extremely cruel way) in the search of the "super-human." In this case, we are also talking about promoting the most extreme inequity among human beings.

This goes beyond borders, cultures, and languages. Everyone will be affected. We will not be able to evade our responsibility.

Where do you stand?

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.

Cross-posted at Edhat.com

Are Latino Students Being Framed?

By Silvia Uribe

"Expectations" are something we fear at times. However, when talking about our children, high expectations can be the magic wand to cast the spell of success upon them. Talking specifically about Latino students, it's not enough that Latino parents have those expectations for their own children; schools, as well as teachers, should have them, too. Most children will respond well if they are sincerely encouraged not only with words, but by having a school system behind them that really trusts that their success can be real, no matter their race or family educational history.

As a mother of two young Latinas who have gone through the Santa Barbara and the Goleta school districts, I had to fight year after year for their rightful placement in classes that would take them ahead at a regular pace. At the beginning of each year, counselors always wanted to place them in the "not so hard" classes that, coincidentally, were packed with an overwhelming majority of Latinos.

It was upsetting because their recommendation was not based on my daughters' grades from the previous year, which showed that they both could deal with those "hard" classes with no problem. It took long discussions with those counselors to make sure my children could get the classes they deserved to be in, and nothing less. As the years passed, this tendency became more than upsetting. And believe me, I wasn't the only one dealing with this frustration. Many other Latino parents were, too. But they didn't have the knowledge of the system or the language proficiency to advocate for their kids, so their children were pushed to the "easier" classes, thus falling further behind as the years passed.

After graduating from high school with a GPA greater than many Latino and non-Latino students, this year my youngest child is attending City College for the first time (you know, the education there is of superior class and the cost is incredibly affordable.) Her long-term plan is to become a lawyer. Much to my daughter's and my dismay, it happened again. The same attitude regarding which classes she was advised to take, the number of units, and the university to which she should transfer. Everything that she was offered was "not as hard", or "easier to get into" than what she chose in the first place. And in case you're wondering, these "easier" options were more than a suggestion. She felt pressured to change her mind, and although the counselor's efforts were not fruitful, she was frustrated yet once again.

Have you ever wondered why so many Latino students don't perform well at school? I have the suspicion that it's not because they can't, but because they are not expected and encouraged to do well. This is the key question: What benefit is there in trying to send Latino students to classes in which they are required to do very little, as opposed to encouraging them to attend those classes that would awake not only their minds but also their spirits?

If we give children a reputation to live up to, they will rise to the challenge. In addition, we will give them the opportunity to feel proud of themselves. To know that in fact, they have a promising future, instead of seeing themselves as nothing more than a failure, or simply not "good enough".

On the other hand, we know that depression and hopelessness play a big role in youths' behavior. So, are we framing them first, and then are we complaining about the poor scholastic achievement they seem to attain?

If we continue to discourage and hold back such an important (in numbers and otherwise) segment of our community, this tendency could lead -- in a ripple effect -- our cities, states, and ultimately, our country to great social and financial issues.

Make no mistake, I do believe in public education, and I think that public schools offer our children great opportunities such as experiencing other cultures, some of the best, and most committed teachers, plus, up to now, they offer a larger array of activities that smaller, private schools cannot. This is precisely why public schools’ narrow vision, in this regard, bothers me so much. It’s simply unfair and stupid to think that children of a particular culture are incapable of achieving at the same level as those of other cultures without stopping to analyze how the system contributes to the problem, and finding ways to change it. If we continue to do the same, we will obtain the same results. As simple as that!

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective

Cross-posted at Edhat.com

When Fear, Terrorism & Earthquakes Strike...

by Silvia Uribe

Talking to my daughter, a senior at Dos Pueblos High School, I realized the effect that the struggles of our days have on our youth, which took me by surprise. She was talking about the Mexican news broadcast images of a terrorist bomb exploding in broad daylight in the middle of Mexico City, our hometown. Her expression was not the relaxed, smiley one that she usually has, and as the conversation progressed her eyes became watery; her breathing became fast, as if she had just come back from her afternoon run, and she kept looking at me in fear, waiting for a comforting answer to her question. She asked, "Where will we go if things become so dangerous here in the States due to terrorism." In her mind, she figured that if the situation would ever get really dangerous here, we could go to Mexico, where most of our family resides, to get away from a possible attack. Now, with this terrorist event, she felt not only fear for our family's safety, but also a sense of loss of what she perceived as "our safe heaven." She was about to start crying. Realization hit me then. Our youth live in constant fear, and we don't know it. The kind of fear that cripples minds, limits wills, and destroys the desire to go ahead and try to make dreams come true. What for, if sooner or later everything could be destroyed? Yes, in the U.S., fear and depression have taken over our youth; the future of our country, and we have inadvertently allowed it!

Even though I didn't know how to make her feel reassured, it was clear to me that she needed to gain some perspective on the issue, so I shared with her that for me, the word, the concept and the consequences of terrorism were way more familiar and less threatening. Having family also living in Spain, I grew up hearing about the ETA, a Basque terrorist organization formed in the late 50's which is still very active now. I grew up knowing that every so often the terrorists would attack; that the attack would almost always kill some people, and that those attacks would never become something constant. As a society, we have another word for constant terrorism, we call it war. Terrorism, in order to work as such, needs to have the surprise element on its side. So, no, I don't fear that it would make me move from my town, or that it would become so frequent that my plans for the future will be cut short, or that my children and one day my grandchildren would for sure become victims themselves. Having said this, I sadly admitted that no one is inoculated against a terrorist attack, and that anyone could become its victim. My daughter wanted to know more.

Most of the world has co-existed with terrorism for many years, even though some people, our youth included, may think that this is a new trend. From the first centuries A.D. with the Zealots of Judea, which the Romans knew as "sicarii" to our days, terrorism has always been present, causing instability and fear within the population. I did a little research on the known terrorist organizations active today. According to the CDI (Center for Defense Information) this is a list per country and number of terrorist organizations: Afghanistan (1), Algeria (2), Cambodia (1), Chile (1), Colombia (3), Egypt (2), Georgia (1), Greece (3), Honduras (1), India (1), Iraq (3), Israel (1), Japan (3), Lebanon (2), Northern Ireland (6), Occupied Territories (4), Pakistan (4), Peru (2), Phillippines (3), Rwanda (1), Sierra Leona (1), South Africa, Spain (2), Sri Lanka, Siria (2), Turkey (2), United States (1), Uzbekistan (1). Fifty four terrorist organizations altogether, some in existence for over fifty years and the world has been able to coexist with it, and fight it quite effectively.

I asked my daughter to compare the threat of terrorism to living in a seismic zone. Earthquakes are not under our control. We know that they may happen, but we don't know when, and we do our best to be prepared to respond when they hit our area. We also know they could be deadly, yet we conduct our lives every day in a normal fashion, and we make plans for the future, as if the possibilities of an earthquake were remote. I realize that this comparison is quite a simplistic way of looking at terrorism, but knowing that there is not a real solution that would end the threat, it may be a good way for us to cope with it, and still live a life without fear, and have hope for the future.

Our conversation ended as they usually do, when her phone rang and she took the call. Minutes later, with a smile again on her face she gave me a hug, and a kiss and said "Thank you mom, I'll be back soon."

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.

Cross-posted at Edhat.com

Parenting Is Not a Popularity Contest!

By Silvia Uribe

After speaking to a desperate parent, I decided to share my personal experience as a mother of two with those who feel sad and fearful of not being able to do a good job with their kids.
We have always known that being a good parent has never been an easy thing. We seem to always be judged not only by our own kids, but also by estrangers who may see that our moral values, style or customs differ from the norm. But having faced these, I think that the challenge is well worth it.

It is more so, if you come from a different culture, country, era, or whatever other differences there are, like we do. Yes, I might not look of a particular background, but my husband I have certainly taught our children our Latino, Mexican/Spanish to be more specific, ways with the “oh, so expected” whining on their part. The main thing we taught them is that family comes first, before work, friends, money and everything else. We’ve taught them this by example. We have also taught them to not only interact with adults, but also to respect and learn from elders, and for instance, to have the courtesy of standing up and giving them their seat when a room is full, and no more seats are available; to say hello and good bye when there is a person as they come in or out of a place; to eat at the dinner table (with manners too), and to share the good and bad of the day. As they were growing up, I never let them stay over at their friends’ home, no matter how well I knew them, which raised many eyebrows among their peers’ parents. If this is not terrifying enough for many, allow me to share that locks on doors and drawers are never used in our home to preserve our “privacy” to the point of not knowing who or what is kept behind doors (remember the Columbine High School incident, and what an arsenal these boys kept in their rooms without the parents knowledge?) We substitute locks with respect and trust. When there was a party, I always made sure to talk to the parents of whoever invited them to make sure they were going to be present (I can still remember the rolling of my kids eyes every time they handed me their friends' parents’ phone number). During high school age, I always suggested that the party would be at our home, just to make sure that things would not get out of hand. Oh, and as far as camps go I went with them to most Girl Scout camps, and we had a lot of fun together (scary huh?) Among many other things, we taught them the value of waiting for things, of nurturing their spirit, and their mind, of observing and analyzing people and situations, and the value of being able to accept “no” for an answer, but also the ability to recognize when they should and shouldn’t be persistent about their desire.

We had rough times, in which (not surprisingly) they really didn’t particularly like me, since I was the vigilante eye upon them. In those situations I always ask one thing from them: TRUST. What they couldn’t see through the crystal of their youth was that we were also teaching them patience, reasoning, decision making skills, and of course, responsibility. At the same time, they were gaining self confidence, and they were creating a self image that did not depend on others’ opinions. There were, and still are, rules at home for everyone to follow, including us parents. So, when my oldest daughter asked me what would change for her at home when she was about to turn 18, the answer was very easy: NOTHING! She would still have to follow the rules, as the rest of us did. Of course, as they were growing in age and maturity, they acquired a lot of more freedom, they started driving, working, socializing, and filling their time with fun and interesting activities like traveling the world (without us parents), to the point that the “fight” for freedom became a moot point, since they earned it with responsibility.

Yes, we had to be very firm, even strict at times, and it was certainly not always easy. Parenting is not a popularity contest, alright! We constantly had to endure the never ending “…we are not in Mexico anymore, mom…”, and the “…but all my friends do it…!” The truth of the matter is that we adapted and adjusted to a new culture, and we perfectly fit in the community, but we kept our identity. We had to teach our kids according to who we were, our moral values, and our culture. We had to make some tough decisions, risking being perceived by our children as “the bad guy”, but, in our view, that’s an ok price compared with the peace of mind of knowing that they’re well equipped for life now.

Our daughters have had a successful school career; one of them graduated from UCSB, holds a professional job in town, and is creating a name for herself in the community. The other one is still a student, has a job, and a very nice group of friends. But what I see as the most important thing is that we enjoy a wonderful, loving, and strong family relationship, where support, trust, loyalty, and respect are present for all of us all the time. We know we can count on each other! Hopefully, they will be able to replicate this, one day, with their own family.

So, if this kind of situation sounds familiar, whether or not you’re from a different background, don’t lose your calm, your cool, your charm or your strength when faced with difficult periods with your children. Recognize that you are just in the middle of the tunnel, trying to get to the other side, and you will….with time and patience. In the meantime, know that the prize to that patience and persistence will be to know that your children are strong, happy and prepared to fly on their own. So, for us at this point I can only say: so far, so good!

Silvia Uribe is a freelance writer with a Latino perspective.