ARE YOU A FEMINIST?

By Silvia Uribe

Recently, a friend of mine asked if I consider myself a feminist, and whether feminism spoke to me as a woman today.

Here is my response:

I am a woman, who raised women, and support women. I try not to judge other women. I try to be an ally to all women. I respect women and their right to choose the way they want to live their live. I value my freedom and all women's freedom more than anything. 

I like, love, and admire, men who do the same. Men that are free and confident, who support women, and our right to be free and confident.

I want to see more women read more, and be more prepared to be more independent. Independence goes far beyond making money. Being independent is a way of conducting one self in all circumstances, and in front of anyone. I believe that independence of our minds is the most important, so we don't let anyone dictate how we feel, or how we think, or act. We are as capable, and as strong as anyone else. There is historical proof that women have always found our own way.

I frequently remind women about the unavoidable personal responsibility that comes with freedom: Making sure that we use that freedom in a way that will elevate us, personally, and as a group, a little bit more every day.  Of course, we will make mistakes, but as soon as we realize that we've made one, we need to show our strength by correcting the path immediately.

Finally, I always warn women about something that can even be a life preserving point - It is true that we, women, can do anyting we want. No doubt about it. Any-thing! Just never lose sight of the fact that everything comes at a price. So when we set a goal for ourselves, we should honestly evaluate, in advance, if what we desire is worth the price.

Yes. I am a feminist!

THE PLEASURES OF TRAVELING

By Silvia Uribe

Traveling, no doubt, is one of the greatest pleasures for those of us who like adventure, people, new experiences, and surprises. Also, as Gustave Flaubert said "Travel makes one modest. You see what a tiny place you occupy in the world." I totally agree.

The first step when traveling, is to think about where to go, and draw a mental map of what I want to see there. I like suggesting a place, and waiting for the counter-proposals that I may get from my travel partner. The decision is always based on the place that offers the most, at the best price. Then looking for comfortable accommodations, also at a fair price, may take some time, but this proves to be a good investment.

I enjoy the investigation part – an elementary step, my dear reader. What is there to discover? The great internet window reveals the answer to me in my own living room, while I sip a delicious coffee. I take mental and written notes of what will later become a reality. With each day, the excitement grows and the wait decreases. The anxiety is unavoidable, mainly, because we leave our obligations behind. We feel we are indispensable.

Finally, the day is here. Maybe we will travel a few hours or many more. If we travel by plane, we accept the idea of a stressful trip, due to the time wasted at airports, cancelled flights or marathons through those long hallways with electric bands that go so slow that using them may mean losing our connection flight. We run next to them instead.

Sooner or later we get to our destiny. Big sigh of relief.

After I get to a new place, I like to go out for a walk on the nearby streets, to know what’s around: the names of the streets, convenience and other stores, transportation, and what have you. Maybe, I want to know this to feel, from the get go, that I’m not lost, and so that things can slowly become familiar to me.

Once I get to the place I will call home for a pre-determined amount of days, I love looking out the window, and filling my eyes with whatever I can see, what’s different, what I never saw before and, maybe, to point at places that look interesting. I enjoy setting the goal to get to those places, even if I don’t know how to get there. This experience, of figuring things out is exciting to me. Maybe little children don’t feel as excited, because that’s their life. They discover new things every day. For us, adults, is not like that. We know and have experienced most things, or so we think. But, when we encounter something new, our sensation progresses from insecurity, to excitement, and once we figure it out, to satisfaction.

Taking a trip and not walking a lot, is not really traveling. During my travel adventures, I walk 6-8 hours a day. I walk, and I also take all kinds of transportation. Because of this, I have traveled by horse, mule, car, bus, motorcycle, bicycle, pedi-cab, tram, metro, train, bullet train, rickshaw, “trajinera”, “gondola” aqua-bus, “aliscafo”, jetski, boat, motor boat, ship, aircraft carrier, small planes, commercial planes, and war planes, funicular and helicopter. Never in a submarine, because I’m claustrophobic, or in a balloon because it scares me to death. My transportation dream? A flying car, like the Jetsons’, but I must wait a few years for that one.

However, what I like the most about traveling is the people I meet. I like knowing, and so I ask them, how they live, what they like, if they are satisfied with their life. I ask them who they consider important life, what they their government gives them, and what it takes from them; what they can and cannot do in terms of social freedom, and what are their ambitions. I also enjoy sharing what they want to know, of course. These interactions are usually a humbling experience, and gives the other person, and me, an intellectual intimacy and understanding that goes way beyond words.

Talking about words, languages come easily for me. But, when I do not speak the language, I truly enjoy the goodwill of people to understand what I say, and  their willingness to make themselves understood. It is like playing “charades”. We use our bodies, our minds, and we get frustrated, and then we laugh, and start all over again, until communication is achieved. Traveling without communicating with natives is not a complete experience to me; I may know the place we visit, but I don’t get to know the culture’s soul.

So, I like those traveling days with no obligations or concerns other than looking for experiences or objects that will remain in my mind and possession, and that I will be able to share with those interested. Today, one can make a book of each trip. Mine have pictures and brief comments. I like this online technology option because that way I  can capture the images and sensations of the moment without eventually forgetting about them or losing the pictures who knows where.

After each trip, my friends ask me if I would go back to the same place. My standard answer is no. It is not interesting to me to see what I have already seen, when there is so much to discover out there. The world is vast, my friend, and it always has something new and intriguing to offer.

RECENT REALIZATIONS

EMPTY NEST OR WELCOME LIBERTY!

By Silvia Uribe

Yep. I'm the very proud mother of 2 young, smart, educated, independent women. I'm in my 50's, and I have devoted 30 years of my life to giving these human beings my very best with all my love, effort, time, advice, and most importantly, with my example. During these years, I watched them like a hawk, hovering over them, but not only to protect them – although no one would have been allowed to hurt them on my watch – it was more for guidance. It was very important for me to teach them about life, and about the art of making intelligent decisions; a handy skill that they would use all their life.

True, 30 years is a long time, but for responsible parents, as you know, time means absolutely nothing. They are up early, go to work, come back to cook and clean, and at night, if need be, they are ready to take care of an ill child. Do parents complain about this? All the time! However, if someone would offer to take care of our little one while he/she is boiling in fever, so we could have a good night sleep, most of us would have not taken the offer. Why? Because parenthood is an arbitrary and self-imposed control of our hearts, minds and bodies. However, for it is self-imposed, we simply assume it.

That’s exactly how I experienced it. My family and I went from one day to the next, with lots of love, laughter, enjoyment of life, and collectively, we took all the lessons that life gave us, and we moved right through them, until just a few months ago.

Last November, my oldest got married, and moved to a different city. Her wedding was perfect! The guests were the most loving guests. The bride and the groom couldn't be happier, and both families were walking on clouds. Everything was so perfect, that it was a rather surreal experience. When I finally touched ground again, in December, our youngest daughter made the decision of living independently, and moved out. She had contemplated the idea for a few months, and she did it.

After cleaning what was left behind, I found myself looking at the empty rooms like I have never seen them. They seemed bigger, lighter, inviting. But their rooms were not the only think that changed. All of a sudden, almost magically, my husband and I had more time to spend with each other. Go figure! Good thing we kept our love intact after all these years, right?

People ask about our empty nest. They wonder if I am doing ok with our new state of life. They say things like “Take it easy” and  “You’ll get used to it” – Hell yeah!

I’m finding out that as much as I enjoyed raising my daughters, I am enjoying the fact that I am back in possession of my freedom, my time, my house.  So, if you are anywhere near, or already at this stage that I’m in, here are five tips that may help you go with the flow faster. I'm sure you'll think of more:

1    1) Start thinking about what YOU like!  Find an interest – or two – for yourself. Whether work related, or volunteering, or doing something artistic.

2    2) Make whatever you like for dinner, or don’t. Cooking is a free ride for you now. Make it when you want, IF you want.

3    3)  Move furniture around the house, or change some pieces if you can. You are in/at a different space in your life. Make your living space reflect it.

4    4) Treat your children as the adults they are. You are now an advisor.  The fact that they don’t “need” you as they did before means that you did a good job raising them.

5    5) Redirect your energy. Time spent with our kids will always be time well spent. But, as their priorities have changed, your priority now should be yourself and your spouse or partner, if you have one.

So, it may be an empty nest now, but being able to savor our liberty again, is not only a welcomed surprise, but also a satisfying way to live life after fifty.

WE ARE A COMMUNITY

And we can come together to serve a greater purpose

By Silvia Uribe

 

This is a tale of a beautiful young woman and her family, her church family, and a caring community, and how they (we) all came together in a time of crisis.

During her birthday party, in December 2014, 17 year old Grace Fisher suddenly began to feel alarming sensations in her body. Her hands were numb and her neck sore. She insisted they call 911, and she was rushed to the hospital.  After getting to the hospital, she gradually lost all mobility. Grace had to be intubated, unable even to breathe on her own.  This came as a shockwave that hit those who know her, including her friends, and her schoolmates and teachers at Santa BArbara High School.

Due to an unknown reason Grace contracted acute flaccid myelitis, a polio-like, paralyzing syndrome that has impacted 107 children in 34 states between August of 2014 and January of this year; Grace is only the 101st child patient to be diagnosed in our country.

Although Grace had medical insurance coverage, after a month in the hospital, the medical out of pocket expenses for her family were exponentially mounting. The idea of a fundraising event was brought up. This idea resonated with the Missions Committee at the First United Methodist Church, which already had a fundraiser planned with Via Maestra Providing the food. When they learned about Grace's family situation, it was decided to make Gracie the beneficiary, instead. From that, an outpouring of love, compassion, and positive energy emanated. 

The Moiso family, members of the church, and owners of the well-known restaurant Via Maestra 42, prepared and donated food for all those who would be willing to pay $25 for a meal. Many church members, rapidly RSVP'd and signed up to help with setting up, waiting tables, dish washing, and with clean up.  Other people advertised the event via Facebook, by email, and in any other possible way. It was widely announced that 100% of the proceeds would go directly to the family. The media, KEYT3 and Santa Barbara NewsPress played a crucial role informing the greater Santa BArbara area, in a compassionate and socially responsible way.

The rest is history.

Over five hundred people, from all walks of life in our community, gathered to achieve one single purpose: To support one child and her family during this crisis.  It was refreshing to see strangers interacting with each other, greeting each other, like old friends would do, except this was probably the first time they had ever met! My self-imposed duty that day, was to clean up tables, and although my intention was not to eves drop, I couldn’t help but listening to some of the conversations. One woman said “there is something for all of us to learn out of what has happened to Grace, and it is that we are still a community and we can come together to serve one greater purpose, no matter where we come from, what we do, or who we are. We sometimes forget about that”  Totally agreed!

The results? More than $34,000 were raised, at the event, and more donations are still coming in.

You can still make a donation:

Gracie Fisher Fund
308 Paseo Del Descanso
Santa Barbara, CA 93105

Grace was air transported last Wednesday, and she is now at the Craig Rehab Hospital just outside of Denver, Colorado. For updates on Gracie’s progress, see web site:   http://www.posthope.org/gracefisher  

If you are interested in sending Grace and her family a note of hope you can do it at:

Hospital Address: Craig Hospital
c/o Grace Fisher
3425 South Clarkson St.

                                Englewood, CO 80113 

WHEN LIFE IS NOT IN PERFECT BALANCE...

FOLLOW THESE 5 STEPS

By Silvia Uribe  

 

Life, in its simplest way, tends to work quite well. We wake up every morning, and start our daily routine: maybe some exercise, a shower, breakfast, and off we go, with our “magic touch” to put things around us in motion. Our family –whoever is encompassed in it –each one of them do their thing too. Our work, is no different. We know – hopefully – what we’re doing, what needs to be done, and even we know what cannot be done at a particular time, and we plan for the right time to do it.

We do this – within reasonable parameters - every single day of our lives. We count on perfectly balanced bodily functions, a perfectly balanced family routine, perfectly balanced work activities, and in general, we count on a perfectly balanced life. Until one day, in which it becomes very clear that, what we have been taking for granted, is in fact a delicate, constant balance act of us walking on a very thin thread of good luck, at a great height, with no protective net beneath us.

What are we to do if anyone in our family gets suddenly sick, and the perfect balance in his/her body doesn’t exist anymore? What if that person needs to stay in the hospital, and you have to be at his/her bedside? What would happen then to your routine, your family, your work, and your life? What if, because of this situation, you cannot plan how your next week, or even your next day will look like? In one word, what if the balance you’re so used to, crumbles beneath your feet, and you realize you are on a free fall, or at least you think you are? This very scary experience recently happened to me.

From it, I’ve learned a few things that are worth sharing:

1. We cannot predict the future – when things get out of balance, the next hour becomes a huge question mark. No matter how much we try, we cannot know what’s to come. Stop trying to predict. It is not for us to control what happens next. 

2. Stop resisting – the more we resist, the more we suffer and make others suffer. When things are not in balance the whole situation becomes foreign to us. We cannot understand it, and we don’t have the power to change it. Acceptance then, is our best bet. Accept the situation as it is, and let it go through as it will. What’s going to happen is going to happen, no matter how much we fight it. 

3. Take one day at a time – Maximize the enjoyment of each good day – not anticipating what will happen tomorrow – and deal with the not so good days as best as you can. 

4. Know that you are not alone – Trust in a higher power. Whether you call it God, Jehovah, Allah, Brahman, or Nature. You can be sure that he or she is watching over you. 

5. Reach out to your family and friends – Many of us have the false believe that we must be super-heroes, and quietly deal on our own with anything that comes our way. Well, we are not so. Ask for help to those who love you. If nothing else, tell them the situation, and ask them to call you, and cheer you up. Or, to lend you a helping hand if they can. Or, simply, to tell you that they love you, which may be just what you need to hear. Or to pray for you – sending you good vibes – since these are never excessive. Or, to distract you with their conversation – a couple of laughs never hurt anyone. 

Particularly when things are “out of whack” around us, we tend to be nervous, frazzled, and lost in our own imbalance. That’s when it is important to put the right ingredients in place, much like in a fast cooking recipe, to calm our souls and restore our inner peace, if nothing else, until the circumstances around us – whatever they may be – come to a perfect balance once again… and, they will.

A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

HOW TO SURVIVE THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY?

As my husband and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary, people asked me to write about how to achieve a successful marriage, so I’ll share a few of my thoughts on the subject.

Getting married is such a big commitment - we have all at least heard, if not experienced, this fact of life. Frequently, however, we see that the supposed commitment is broken with such ease that just the opposite becomes clear - people are, in fact, not committed. From the get-go it was just an empty promise. Particularly for those who, before they get married, are thinking, "if it doesn't work, I'll divorce him/her."

I’m not advocating here in favor of allowing someone to disrespect our spiritual, physical, or emotional boundaries, as would happen in an abusive relationship. Abuse should not be tolerated. What I’m talking about is the kind of commitment that gives us the internal strength that allows us to fight to unknown limits in order to save a good relationship with a person who’s worth the effort.

To break it down, let’s say that the good times are those whimsical periods in which everything goes well; when both parties are very agreeable and there is almost no noticeable difficulty. This period usually happens in the beginning, and during many different periods along the life of the marriage.   After a few weeks, even a few months, when we discover the differences we have with our partner, the bad becomes obvious. Even though we try to be tolerant, it is not always possible. The friction – from differences in education and customs and from those shenanigans that we do every day – becomes insufferable. The arguments ensue, the passive-aggressive behaviors take center stage, and we start double-guessing our decision to tie our life to such an undesirable person, who quite frankly doesn't listen, doesn't understand, is selfish, and is not willing to change.   Since using logic doesn't seem to work, and yelling worsens things, we keep those feelings silent. We avoid making waves until the day comes when we cannot stand it any more and hell breaks loose. Then we start considering the possibility of divorce. Yes, most successful marriages have gone through these periods, also.

In my view, it is at these very moments when the difference can be seen between a successful marriage and one that ends in divorce. Marriage is a contract, after all. Those couples who stop in their tracks during the difficult times and go back to analyzing why they signed this "contract" in the first place, have a better chance of achieving  their common goal.  As in business, when we sign the contract we shouldn't expect that it'll be an effortless endeavor, or that we won't find pebbles, stones, rocks, or even boulders in the way. We sign knowing that we will overcome almost anything in order to realize the desired outcome.

But wait, we have not yet gotten to the ugly part of marriage, which I consider those periods in which huge, life-altering events come our way, out of the blue in most instances. Those moments in which it seems like not only the marriage, but also the whole world is coming to an end (most couples go through at least one of these periods, if not a few). It is then that a couple needs full commitment, the decision to succeed, and reassurance that they can hold onto each other until the storm passes.

You may have noticed that I used the word successful, and not “long-lasting” marriage, as these two things are not necessarily the same. A successful marriage is one that both parties value and enjoy throughout the years. A long-lasting marriage may persist even if one or both people are miserable but for one reason or another – family pressure, custom, or finances – it doesn't get dissolved.   Long-lasting, successful marriages aren't always easy and breezy, but they are not impossible either, as long as we choose the right person – not necessarily the cutest, funniest, or richest, but the one who’s going to have the same level of love, respect, and commitment to work on the relationship as we do.

Then, our marriage will be strong enough to survive the good, the bad, and the ugly, hand-in-hand with the one we love.

5 STEPS TO RECHARGE YOUR SPARK.

By Silvia Uribe

We all have a spark, the spark of life, and joy within us. Just by the simple fact of living, we own that little spark: This is the spark that brightens our eyes when we are happy, that pulls upward the corners of our lips when we see or hear something that pleases us; the tiny little spark of hope, that gets us going in difficult times, and makes us remember that tomorrow will be another day.

We all know someone who’s spark is so bright, it brightens us, and bring us back to life even when we are tired, or just simply bored.  These are the people whose energy is contagious; those who can manage to infuse us with an injection of excitement out of the blue. These are people that produce an attraction on others, and good, positive events around them. We call them lucky. Bun in reality, they are responsible for creating this cosmic synergy, with their spark; one that others don’t want to miss. 

However, when life gets tough, our little spark deems. It deems so much that it almost becomes imperceptible, even to ourselves. But, it is then, when we need our spark more than ever. So the question here is: How to re-charge our spark?

1 – Do not just complain about your problem. Take action. – Continuously thinking about a problem without making any decisions, and taking any actions is a recipe for disaster: the problem won’t get solved, and you’ll be overwhelmed. Don’t stay in the analyzing stage forever. Start making decisions, and take the appropriate actions. Now, you’re on your way to solve your problem.

2 – Do not create a snowball – If you happen to have more than one problem at the same time, try to separate them, and deal with both, but one independent from the other. Snowballs are hard to stop once they get rolling. You may have a couple of problems in your life, but your whole life is not a problem, unless you allow for this to happen.

3 – Cry if you will, but limit your suffering time – Do not allow yourself to become a victim of your circumstances. Realize that although your problem might be big, and it causes you a lot of stress, there are other aspects of your life that are actually enjoyable.

4 – Every day, do one thing that brings you peace– Whether it is exercise, meditation, prayer, therapy, or a good conversation with a friend, we need to decompress. Maybe it is a peaceful walk on the beach, or a cup of hot chocolate and a good read. Do this for only 30 minutes if your time is limited, but do something to reestablish your inner balance, and the intensity of your sparkle. 

5 –Do not allow your sparkle to be extinct – When life gets tough we feel that our sparkle is the last thing we want to think about, but we must. Without a conscious effort to find the affable side of life, we have the risk to fall into depression, and once we’ve fallen, it is quite difficult to recover.

And, remember that having a bright spark, could help you tremendously this time of the year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Parents: Guides or Cheerleaders?

How Much Is Too Much Praise?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

This might be one of those times in which I get in trouble with my readers, as I do every now and then. When I do, it is usually because my opinion goes against what’s trendy or, at the very least, considered as accepted in today’s society. So, here I go.

Since we just passed graduation time, let me say this. I have an issue with children having big graduation celebrations — with guests, presents, and fancy parties — before finishing high school, and in general, with parents overly praising their children for everything they do.

Some parents exaggerate their praises even when their children have done nothing at all. Have you watched the show “Sweet 16,” or attended a “Quinceañera” lately? Praising children for what they do well is one thing, and I completely support encouraging them, the same way I support parents being their children’s handy behavior thermometer. When they do something good or when they are responsible, we should moderately praise them; when they don’t, we should give them feedback — from a couple of words or time-out to eliminating privileges, depending on the child’s age. It is all about balance.

As parents, our role is to be our children’s guide, not just their cheerleaders.
If we excessively or disproportionately praise them, we’re at risk of causing the opposite effect than the one we’re trying to attain. Throwing a big graduation party, for example, before finishing high school could harm our children more than it could help them get ahead with their academic achievements.

Why? Because it is like with anything else: Human beings try to accomplish the things that they can dream about.

When kids see what a high school or college graduation entails, all the preparations, the presents given, the diploma, the party, and in general, the excitement that this generates in our society, it is something that they can look forward to. That’s the right time to really praise our youth for a successful career as a student. The message here is this: First comes the commitment, then the effort, then the dedication, and at the end, the big celebration.

That's how life goes. Is it not our goal as parents to give our children tools that they can use to craft a successful life for themselves? The meaning of that celebration gets diluted if we do it over and over, starting from kindergarten. If we take the anticipation from the equation, what are they going to look forward to? The risk with this lack of motivation is that they may be tempted to not finish their basic education, and the consequences could be devastating - they wouldn't have the knowledge to succeed in an increasingly competitive world.

The messages that we communicate to our children with our actions, are even more important than those spoken. We should avoid communicating that little or no effort will do the trick for them in the future, or that others should or would be as accepting and benevolent with them as we as parents are.

Our children are special to no one else but us, their parents. For others, our children are exactly like any other kid now and will be treated like any other adult in the future.

They will have the same challenges we had, or more, and we better make sure that they have the tools to rise above those challenges and understand that they will need the abilities, the resiliency, the brains, and good work habits to succeed. If we as parents exceed our praises, they will expect the same thing from the rest of the world, and that would make for a false promise that we're making to them.

Let’s give our children the right praises in the right amount, at the right time, and let’s also teach them that nothing will be simply given to them because they’re cute. Let’s not make them feel special, but smart and capable.

And, let’s also make sure they know that the only path to success is hard work and an endless amount of perseverance on their part.

WHAT'S NEW IN GOLETA?

 By Silvia Uribe

Living in Goleta, we don’t always notice all the construction that happens over time in our city, but the reality is that there have been a number of new things in Goleta in the last few months that have made Goleta a more dynamic, safer, more welcoming, and earth-friendlier city.

For those who have not been paying attention to all the changes our city has undergone lately, here’s a list of five things that I can remember off the top of my head, including of course, my humble evaluation of these changes:

Winchester overpass

1) The new Winchester overpass — It is great! Wider and with sidewalks, so everyone can cross the freeway in a much safer way. But turning from the overpass to the northbound on-ramp is a little cumbersome during the day, and trying to do it at night is plain dangerous, to say the least. This point is, there's a screaming need for better signage, or a terrible accident is imminent.

2) Montecito Bank and Trust — This is the "new bank on the block," if you know what I mean. Its building is nice and smartly located at the very corner of Storke Avenue and Hollister Avenue. I’m saddened, though, that it covers part of the mountain views as you come in from North Hollister Avenue. I know that things have to change, and the landscape of the city is not the exception. But, due to the fact that I grew up as a city girl, around tall buildings only, I wrestle with the romantic idea of keeping the open views of the mountains, and the citrus groves, which my family and I have enjoyed during our 14 years here in Goleta.

3) You have probably seen traffic cones and very tall cranes along the 217 Highway — You will probably see them around for quite some time. Yes, they are there because the San Jose Creek Restoration Project is ongoing. The City of Goleta is preparing for the installation of precast concrete panels up and down both sides of the creek. In the end, the creek will be deeper and easier for fish to pass.

Please remember: Safety is first! Obey all traffic signs, and remember that this is an active construction site. Do not try to get too close to it.

4) The Camino Real Hotel on Storke Avenue and Phelps Road — This hotel is going up fast, and pretty soon it will be ready, I’m sure. We know that the demand for rooms during graduation time at UCSB and Dos Pueblos High surpasses existing capacity, but I wonder if the flux of tourists in the area will be there throughout the year. The owners seem to think that they will have no vacancies for the most part. They must know better than I do, and I wish them well.


5) This construction hasn’t started yet, but Goleta will have its first roundabout in the months to come (top picture) — It will be located at the intersection of Los Carneros Road and Calle Real. This will definitely be an improvement on the dangerous three-way intersection there now, which has an elevated number of side-impact collisions. However, I know by experience that using roundabouts is not always an easy thing for everyone. If you missed the workshop that the city offered but would like information on how to appropriately and safely use a roundabout, don’t hesitate to email the project manager, Rosemary Gaglione. Her email is rgaglione@cityofgoleta.org.

It is amazing to me how little-by-little our city takes its own form and develops its own personality and culture. I’m so thankful for those who had the vision of a vibrant city and worked really hard for the City of Goleta's incorporation. I have the pleasure of knowing several of these visionaries, starting with our city’s first mayor, Margaret Connell. Some of the others are also well known to the community through their participation in government, but there are some unsung heroes who, through their silent but constant work, have shaped our city’s future.
We can all contribute to it by taking care of this great city and making sure the right people lead our way in the years to come.

ARE WE THERE YET?

By Silvia Uribe

A few days back I went to see The Hunger Games, which was in three of the six movie theaters at Goleta’s Camino Real Marketplace. I didn’t read any of the three books on which this movie was based, so I didn’t have any particular expectation about it. I didn’t have great interest in it either. Judging it by the name, I was convinced it would be a rather depressing movie. I was right.

Don’t get me wrong. The movie has what one can call a “happy ending," which I won’t spoil, in case you haven’t seen it. But, the more the movie progressed, the more I was subject to the unsettling feeling that this movie presaged some sort of reality the initial stages of which we are already living. Yes, I’m talking about the reality of our infamous “reality shows."


The parallels are stunning, if you think about it. People chosen to be a part of the entertainment have to do whatever the producers tell them in order to get the prize. Like in the movie, we reality show fans are avid consumers of whatever is sold to us as “fun to watch.” But – is it really? Or are we simply becoming insensitive, uncompassionate, and, to put it plainly, dehumanized beings? Is it right for us to laugh about other people’s misery, vices, depression, pain, or confusion?

Although I don’t watch a lot of TV shows in general, just by surfing the channels I’m aware of a number of them - which many times seem to be the only option available - that could very well be driving us to not think for ourselves, and to simply follow the path others draw for us. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

- The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette – Self-abasement for fifteen minutes of fame.
- Hoarders – Extremely depressed individuals who bury themselves alive.
- Intervention – Drug addicts who at times consume in front of the cameras.
- Jersey Shore – Low-living individuals with amazingly high levels of ignorance.
- Wiped out – People risking their lives on a bad fall sparkled with snarky comments
- Ultimate Fighter (UFC) – Pure bestiality.
- Toddlers & Tiaras – Bordering on child abuse.
- Sweet 16 – Brats’ empowerment at its best

Is this uplifting, positive, or even interesting? I venture to say that most of us don’t think it is. However, driven by a morbid impulse, we keep watching.

Who is to say that one of the Intervention participants won’t inadvertently overdose in front of the camera, or that one of the Jersey Shore cast members won’t badly hurt another one during one of their drunken brawls? What if one or more of the Wiped Out participants “accidentally” breaks their neck? Or if, while we’re watching, an ultimate fighter gets killed?

Will we stop watching then? Or are we going to coldly say that they knew what they were getting into? And will this explanation help convince us that we bear no responsibility whatsoever? Oh, wait a minute. Didn’t the husband of one of the Real Housewives commit suicide? Yes, he did.


To be fair, there are a few positive "reality" shows on the air, too. What Would You Do?, Undercover Boss, Restaurant Impossible, What Not to Wear, and a couple more. However, they don’t get half the attention from the media and the public as the other ones do.

At the pace we’re going, in not too long, our children may be “volunteering” for The Hunger Games. The question is: will we – like the colorful people in the movie – still be watching?

 

THE POWER OF COMPASSION

  

By Silvia Uribe

We all tend to think that we are the center of the world, the most important person, and of course, we feel we are the only one who has problems, who suffers, and we find it very difficult at times to navigate through life. We stop enjoying life just because we’re focused on our problems.  

Frequently, we complain so much, that it becomes our norm: we don’t have enough money to buy enough stuff to compete enough with our friends, and even with our enemies. We complain about how we look, about our hair, about the dress size we cannot fit in, about our house, our neighbors, and about where and how they park. We also complain about our friends, and about our work; about our short eyelashes, and about not being able to buy a newer car. The list goes on.

In short, we forget to live, and we consume ourselves with negativity.

I don’t usually write about my private life, but when talking about compassion, it has to be personal to illustrate its effects and results. 

For the last 10 years, life has given me the opportunity to be close to vulnerable individuals who are, or at least feel, very lonely. With those who think that their bad luck will never cease, and they seem to be right. With those whose sadness has found a way to settle in their souls, and despair seems like the only thing alive within them. Many of them are individuals without resources to make their life better, they lack options at that point, and perhaps they never had them. Many of them did nothing to deserve what they got. One can say they’re victims of their circumstances.

To some, it sounds a bit illogical for me to say that working with and around these individuals is an opportunity.  People I know often perceive it more as a challenge, something that, due to the emotional charge involved, they would not be able to do. My close friends know that I see it as a meaningful, relevant thing to do, but most of them also think they couldn’t do it, if offered the option.  I disagree. It is, not as hard as it seems. In fact, it is not hard at all.

Compassion is the secret. Compassion gives us a chance to relate and help other human beings, and to see how relatively little effort on our part it takes to make someone’s life a lot better. This is an encouraging experience. But, as altruist and romantic as this sounds, it is not the main reason why I think being compassionate works.  The right question would be:  What’s in it for the one who is compassionate? And, the answer is: A lot.

Compassion gives us the opportunity to put things in perspective.

In my case, I realized that my life was as easy as it can get, even though I have my share of minor troubles. My family life, with all its ups and downs, is strong and stable. I have a constant income, and a place I call home. My body is not perfect, but it definitely works much better and is healthier than many of those with whom I work on a daily basis.  I have good friends, and I’m able to spare a little money to have some fun with them. When I came to the realization that compared to others’ my life was so much better, I stopped complaining. I started living a purposeful life, and up until now, I enjoy every minute of it.  I am thankful for all the good I have. The words need, and pain, and life, and justice suddenly acquired a new, and a very real meaning, and compassion was not only a word anymore. It became a way of living.

However - and this is very important - what I understand for compassion is very different from pity. I believe that compassion speaks more to the personal feelings and attitude that one has towards other people and their circumstances, and pity is more a diminishing impression of another. With compassion, we can put ourselves in the shoes of the other, and imagine how we would feel in their situation, and this is usually a humbling experience. This is what helps put things in perspective.

Practicing more compassion towards other fellow human beings has done more for me, than whatever I’ve ever been able to do for them. True, I may have assisted them, but they have changed my life for the better. By being focused on someone other than myself, unexpectedly, I became a happier, more thankful person every day of my life.

That’s the power of compassion.

Free Expression with No Reservation

First Amendment Applies to Religion, Too

By Silvia Uribe

This season, we’ve heard a lot of conversations regarding the expression of religious beliefs. One big reason for the revival of this old discussion is Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos quarterback. He kneels down right in the middle of the field and makes hand and head gestures that unequivocally show that he is a believer.
Many criticize him, arguing that this could make some people uncomfortable. Some believe that this is an imposition of his faith upon those who don’t share the same beliefs, or any religious beliefs for that matter. Is that so? Hardly.


When someone openly displays his or her faith, it is not a signal that others have to follow suit. The only expectation is that they will make a connection with the higher power they believe in. They are exercising their freedom of expression. That is it! His reasons for doing it so publicly? Your guess is as good as mine, but I truly think it is none of our business.

Is there any valid reason to take that freedom away from him or anyone? Perhaps non-believers have nothing to express in this regard – but surely that should not remove others' right to express their faith.

If we extrapolate this reasoning to a completely different realm, it would be very difficult to make any sense of it. Consider, for instance, if those who have no car, because they prefer walking, were able to force others not to use their car either; or if, because I choose not to buy in Wal-Mart, others were not allowed to get in these stores. You get the idea.

This time is different from the Inquisition time. Today, most believers have no problem knowing and accepting that others may be agnostics, or atheists. Why should agnostics or atheists have a problem accepting the fact that others have a faith? I am convinced that in the same way no one should judge, or impose action on others, no one should impose the absence of action either.

To each his or her own, and everyone should be able to act, as far as religious matters go, in the way they feel most comfortable, without having to please anyone else.

There's Runners and Then There's Runners

A Taste of the Santa Barbara International Marathon 2011

By Silvia Uribe

I heard cheers and claps coming from who-knows-where. "What’s that?" I thought, turning and snuggling even deeper in my bed. The noise continued. What the heck? Who’s yelling, and why? On a Saturday morning, my place at the end of the woods is quite peaceful — usually. It was not very early, but I had been out the night before, and at 7:30 in the morning my eyes resisted opening as if they were super-glued shut.

When I first peeked beyond my balcony, I could see people standing, jumping up and down. Then, looking a little further, I saw some runners coming down the street. Of course! I had completely forgotten that the Santa Barbara International Marathon was taking place, in both Goleta and in Santa Barbara.


It’s been a long while since I was a runner. Many years, to give you an idea. However, the whole running thing came back into my life when my best friend Lucy picked it up. She took it very seriously, as she does just about everything. I never did. For me, it was an invigorating thing to do and a great opportunity to enjoy the freshness of the early morning, feel the wind on my body, and see the greenery in the huge park where I ran. I did it to fill my senses, to replenish, day after day, my desire to “smell the roses” and to ponder the ideas that were relevant at the time. It would have never occurred to me to make that peaceful alone-time a competition.

With Lucy, the story is very different. She runs every day, seven days a week. When she doesn’t run, she’s in trouble, and the rest of the world is in trouble because of her. And so, it became clear to me that it was better to encourage her running urges than to have to deal with her titter-totter moods. However, through this passion of hers, the whole runners’ culture was unveiled to me.

I learned, for example, that serious runners are incredibly committed. From their eating to their sleeping patterns, they impose increasingly rigid trainings on themselves, particularly when they’re about to participate in a race, and they constantly work on their endurance — never mind the stomach pains, the sudden cramps, or adverse weather conditions. Sometimes runners suffer strain fractures, which take months to heal; other times their toenails turn black and fall off due to their toes smashing against the running shoes for extended periods of time.

They also have to learn how to run. Although one would think that this is a natural thing to learn when we’re toddlers, serious runners learn how to save the most energy — from pacing themselves, to running with their arms next to their body, without swinging too much from one side to the other — you get the picture. They are competitive in a very personal way because when they compete, really, they only compete against themselves. And so it is that, little by little, they reduce their time — even by a few seconds — and become faster runners.

I could never have that kind of patience, dedication, and commitment. But to get back to my point, more than half of the marathon happened in Goleta (a little over 15 of the 26.2 total miles). It started at Dos Pueblos High School, jumped the freeway and went down to the Ellwood area, then to Winchester and back up to Cathedral Oaks until it reached the Turnpike area. Then it continued through Santa Barbara, ending at Santa Barbara City College.

No matter that I had forgotten about the marathon up to that moment. Once I woke up enough to be aware of what was going on just outside my window, I immediately threw on my jeans and a T-shirt, brushed my teeth and my hair as quickly as possible, and grabbed a sweatshirt as I rushed out the door to join the crowd less than 10 minutes later. I didn’t want to miss the sight of those incredible people who are able to do something that I never will.

This is the kind of community event that Goleta residents, like myself, love to see happening in The Good Land, events that provide our children with a good example of how to live a healthy life and show them how to use their free time doing something positive and exciting at the same time.

I’m happy to report that the Santa Barbara International Marathon, with over 5,000 participants, was a great success this year, and it is only expected to become better every year. Next year’s race will be on Saturday, November 10, 2012. If you want to register, or if you want more information, go to sbimarathon.com.

ARE THE DEAD, DEAD?

Are the dead the ones who parted,

And the living the ones who stayed?

Or are the living the dead,

But they never realized it?

Maybe the living are the dead, 

In a world that’s upside down,

In which we live with a dead soul,

Not knowing when our life escaped.

Whether dead or alive,

Those who shared love come together,

Through old memories that keep them united,

And through acts in honor of the ones that left.

People never die completely,

Unless no one remembers their legacy,

And no person alive is ever lonely,

Unless the ones who parted are no longer a part of their memories.

HASKELL'S BEACH IS OUR BEACH

By Silvia Uribe

Although the super-warm days are not yet in sight, for a while I have been craving to go to the beach. So, finally, last weekend I gathered my towel, my sandals, sunscreen, and a big bottle of water, and I ventured to the Bacara Hotel’s Beach anyway.


Yes, I know I called it the Bacara Beach and not Haskell’s Beach. I purposely didn’t because our Haskell’s Beach is ours no more. Very few of us have been able to enjoy the beach or its ocean water for a while.

First, medium and large rocks appeared there. I was told that these were the result of storms. They are located at the top of the beach, and go along the entire length of it. Based on its present appearance, many may think that Haskell’s Beach has always been a “no sand” beach, meaning it only has rocks and water, and people cannot stroll there. However, I cannot count the hundreds of times that I went to that beach since the time I moved to Goleta in 1998. It always had a wide and beautiful sand beach. I guess Nature does these things at times.

Now the sand is back, but huge tree trunks are blocking one of the entrances to the beach. No one could explain the presence of these trunks to me. At the other entrance, a big, uneven, and dangerous step presents itself even before you get to the rocks, making it impossible for most little kids, seniors, and others to get safely to the beach and into the water.

As background information, for those who never knew or have forgotten, one of the main conditions under which the hotel was built was access to the beach. The Coastal Commission then ruled, and the City of Goleta enforced, that the Bacara had to provide access to the beach 24/7 and certain services to the public. The Bacara finally agreed, and to that end the hotel built a public parking lot and a beach trail, and offered some services to the public at their facilities. They made an investment, and in so doing they won the community’s approval (to some degree).

Wouldn’t it make sense then, for the Bacara to offer at least one clean pathway for the public from their facilities to the beach, now that the sand is back? Wouldn’t it show good will on its part to do this for all members of the community? How much could it cost? Can the Bacara not afford it?

As citizens of Goleta, we support private, clean businesses that create and maintain jobs for locals. However, it is also true that businesses should give back to the communities that embrace them. By creating a short, clean path to the beach, the Bacara would be partnering with and supporting the city’s efforts to maintain and improve the quality of life for all Goleta residents.

Haskell’s Beach has always been our community beach, and as a member of that community I know that I would love to have our beach back, by having easy and safe access to it. I’m sure others feel the same way.

Will the Bacara help us get there?

WHO'S “GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL?”

By Silvia Uribe.

No one argues that there’s no such thing as “what women like”, when it comes to men. Some are attracted to dark- skinned men, or rich men, or funny guys, or dreamers, or romantics. But, whatever they look like, or they do, it is difficult to find the right person. The same exact thing can be said about men. Women, and men, of all ages, have problems finding what I call good prospects. Abi, my grandma, used to define them as “good marriage material.”

We understand what she meant, but what was she really talking about? Well, a person who is “good marriage material” has the necessary traits that would make him/her a good husband or wife. This of course doesn’t assure that the person you consider good marriage material will propose to you. That, only time will tell. But, if your love interest has these characteristics it will be an indicator that you’re not wasting your time hopelessly, risking to fall in love with someone that you really don’t want in your life, for the long run. It basically gives you a safer place to start.

“Heart and brain should work together and not at an alternating rhythm” Abi used to say.

According to her, these main things are: that the person comes from a family that enjoys spending time together – meaning he/she already knows the value of a family; that the person has no vices – or the money will be devoted to pay for them. The person was brought up in a religion – so they have good moral values, and that the person is financially independent – simply to avoid undesirable “leaches.”

I can almost hear Abi’s decided tone: “you should also be able to have long conversations with that person about something other than sex, drinks, or any sort of imaginary, virtual adventures. During those conversations, find out about which accomplishments make that person most proud, about goals for the future in general (not related to you), and what is she/he is doing to accomplish those goals. These conversations will show you how determined this person is. Plus, if your communication is good, you’re ahead in the game”. Abi always said: “those who can talk and laugh together, can live together.”

And, for your own safety, of course, never forget to make sure that this person is respectful of you physically, verbally, and emotionally.

Abi’s “marriage material” characteristics are things that you cannot request, create, nor change. Either they are there or they aren’t. So, don’t fool yourself thinking that the person will change.”

A close friend of mine, Maru, didn’t count on Abi’s advice. She met a man who was handsome and funny but whose only real interest was money. He had no moral values, he played cards and bet on horse races. He was disrespectful to her, and physically aggressive. Maru now accepts that she saw these warning signs, but chose to ignore them, hoping that he would change once they tied the nut. After a few agonizing years of marriage due to his constant abuses and cheating tendencies, he left her with a bruised body, and a broken soul. On top of everything, and using his financial power, he also made good on his threat of taking her son and her daughter away from her.

Unfortunately, Maru’s story is not that uncommon.

I never heard Abi talk about intuition. But in my experience, this is crucial in love affairs. On intuition, I have one thing to say: Trust yourself. There are many times that people feel that something is not right with their significant other, and ignore it. They easily disregard the signs in their stubbornness to go on with the relationship. However, they later realize – usually the hard way – that their intuition was right.

We know that no one is perfect, and will never be. So, once you find someone who’s “good marriage material” be ready to make some concessions from your list (I assume you have one already) of additional requirements that may not be as important in the big scheme of things.

Remember, no one has the recipe for happiness, but if you start with “good marriage material” your chances increase considerably.

Only Words?

by Silvia Uribe

Words are never only words. Words, although very common, are also like magic tools to communicate thoughts that have no color, no form, no smell, and transform these into something concrete, something that we can imagine, and almost touch.

We also use words to dress our feelings. Sometimes we dress them up with distinction and elegance, and other times with rather simple, everyday attire. Words allow us to reveal what’s in our heart, and by doing this, they assist us in understanding, and in bringing us close to one another.

Words are also like a double-edged sword. They can hurt when we are careless, but when used with tenderness, they work like unexpected healers. They can make us laugh or cry. They can surprise us or make us bored. They can open our mind to imagine great things, or they can make it very narrow. They are the golden key to open other people’s heart, inviting them to share their dreams, and their fears. Words are so powerful that even when unspoken, their mere absence may reveal what we’re trying to hide.

As with any other tool, we should be handling them with care, always taking responsibility for how we use them.

We shouldn’t make another person feel bad and then pretend that we were only joking. We should not lie, and try to make the other person responsible for not knowing the truth. By the same token, we should not give ill intended advice, or invite violence and declare, when violence erupts, that we were not its source.

Our words, then, should be used with care. Our family and our friends, as well as our acquaintances, just like any other person, deserve that we consider the way we use words particularly, when our racing emotions attempt to get the best of us. Although it may seem extremely difficult, it is in these situations when we should take greater control of our words, considering that once they come out of our mouth, their effect is irreversible. We can apologize, and we can be forgiven, but hurtful words will never be forgotten. In fact, words will stay in our minds as perpetual reminders of love or hate, happiness or pain, violence or peace.

Following this advice will bring immediate benefits to our everyday life. By extension, the words we choose along our journey, will determine whether we will end our days in the company of those whom we love, or in excruciating solitude.

The choice is ours.

“The Death of the DREAM Act”.

By Silvia Uribe

Latinos are not only disappointed, but also frustrated by the failure of the DREAM Act  in Congress. The main problem was not that Republicans wanted to derail it– everyone knew that - but that Democrats didn’t have their act together, and some joined the Republicans and voted against it. With those 5 Democrat votes against, the DREAM Act fell 5 votes short from passing. If those 5 Democrat votes would’ve been pro DREAM, the bill would have reached the Senate floor, and could have passed by a simple majority.

Unfortunately, this shows the reality of the Democratic Party. It is disjointed, and unable to organize one vote. This leaves Latinos out in the cold, and with no clear option as to which political party to turn to. Maybe now is the time for an Independent candidate to come forward for 2012, uniting the Latino vote and taking it away from both parties.

Even worse, is that the DREAM Act failure comes on the heels of the passing of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy reversal, which allows for gays in the military to be as openly gay as they may. The country is focusing in celebrating this great success, of course, however, very little has been said in the media about the irrational vote on the DREAM Act.

Why irrational? Because who can possibly think that the youth - who didn’t come to this country willfully, but were brought by their parents - who will become well educated adults, paying their taxes, their social security, expending in consumer products, is not something that our country will benefit from? We’re talking about 1.2 million immigrant youth in this group, according experts. Republicans, frankly, are blindly obsessed with fighting anything that could appear like an amnesty. Whether it could be beneficial or not, they don’t care.

As upsetting as the failing of the DREAM Act is, it is not surprising to those who have been paying attention to the writing on the wall. When the Democrats had the majority in both houses, the Democratic leadership wasn’t able to cash in on that political power. Now things have changed, the fight for the presidential race on 2012 is on, and Republicans will for sure obstruct anything that Obama wants to do.

Although Republicans say that they are interested in passing a comprehensive immigration reform, it is not expected that they will act on it, until “our borders are secured”, as they have expressed. But, curiously enough, they keep opposing the bills that fund border security. It seems that the “statuos quo” is working fine for them. In the meantime, we can expect more abuse of power, and inhumane treatment for those undocumented.