RECENT REALIZATIONS

EMPTY NEST OR WELCOME LIBERTY!

By Silvia Uribe

Yep. I'm the very proud mother of 2 young, smart, educated, independent women. I'm in my 50's, and I have devoted 30 years of my life to giving these human beings my very best with all my love, effort, time, advice, and most importantly, with my example. During these years, I watched them like a hawk, hovering over them, but not only to protect them – although no one would have been allowed to hurt them on my watch – it was more for guidance. It was very important for me to teach them about life, and about the art of making intelligent decisions; a handy skill that they would use all their life.

True, 30 years is a long time, but for responsible parents, as you know, time means absolutely nothing. They are up early, go to work, come back to cook and clean, and at night, if need be, they are ready to take care of an ill child. Do parents complain about this? All the time! However, if someone would offer to take care of our little one while he/she is boiling in fever, so we could have a good night sleep, most of us would have not taken the offer. Why? Because parenthood is an arbitrary and self-imposed control of our hearts, minds and bodies. However, for it is self-imposed, we simply assume it.

That’s exactly how I experienced it. My family and I went from one day to the next, with lots of love, laughter, enjoyment of life, and collectively, we took all the lessons that life gave us, and we moved right through them, until just a few months ago.

Last November, my oldest got married, and moved to a different city. Her wedding was perfect! The guests were the most loving guests. The bride and the groom couldn't be happier, and both families were walking on clouds. Everything was so perfect, that it was a rather surreal experience. When I finally touched ground again, in December, our youngest daughter made the decision of living independently, and moved out. She had contemplated the idea for a few months, and she did it.

After cleaning what was left behind, I found myself looking at the empty rooms like I have never seen them. They seemed bigger, lighter, inviting. But their rooms were not the only think that changed. All of a sudden, almost magically, my husband and I had more time to spend with each other. Go figure! Good thing we kept our love intact after all these years, right?

People ask about our empty nest. They wonder if I am doing ok with our new state of life. They say things like “Take it easy” and  “You’ll get used to it” – Hell yeah!

I’m finding out that as much as I enjoyed raising my daughters, I am enjoying the fact that I am back in possession of my freedom, my time, my house.  So, if you are anywhere near, or already at this stage that I’m in, here are five tips that may help you go with the flow faster. I'm sure you'll think of more:

1    1) Start thinking about what YOU like!  Find an interest – or two – for yourself. Whether work related, or volunteering, or doing something artistic.

2    2) Make whatever you like for dinner, or don’t. Cooking is a free ride for you now. Make it when you want, IF you want.

3    3)  Move furniture around the house, or change some pieces if you can. You are in/at a different space in your life. Make your living space reflect it.

4    4) Treat your children as the adults they are. You are now an advisor.  The fact that they don’t “need” you as they did before means that you did a good job raising them.

5    5) Redirect your energy. Time spent with our kids will always be time well spent. But, as their priorities have changed, your priority now should be yourself and your spouse or partner, if you have one.

So, it may be an empty nest now, but being able to savor our liberty again, is not only a welcomed surprise, but also a satisfying way to live life after fifty.

WHO'S “GOOD MARRIAGE MATERIAL?”

By Silvia Uribe.

No one argues that there’s no such thing as “what women like”, when it comes to men. Some are attracted to dark- skinned men, or rich men, or funny guys, or dreamers, or romantics. But, whatever they look like, or they do, it is difficult to find the right person. The same exact thing can be said about men. Women, and men, of all ages, have problems finding what I call good prospects. Abi, my grandma, used to define them as “good marriage material.”

We understand what she meant, but what was she really talking about? Well, a person who is “good marriage material” has the necessary traits that would make him/her a good husband or wife. This of course doesn’t assure that the person you consider good marriage material will propose to you. That, only time will tell. But, if your love interest has these characteristics it will be an indicator that you’re not wasting your time hopelessly, risking to fall in love with someone that you really don’t want in your life, for the long run. It basically gives you a safer place to start.

“Heart and brain should work together and not at an alternating rhythm” Abi used to say.

According to her, these main things are: that the person comes from a family that enjoys spending time together – meaning he/she already knows the value of a family; that the person has no vices – or the money will be devoted to pay for them. The person was brought up in a religion – so they have good moral values, and that the person is financially independent – simply to avoid undesirable “leaches.”

I can almost hear Abi’s decided tone: “you should also be able to have long conversations with that person about something other than sex, drinks, or any sort of imaginary, virtual adventures. During those conversations, find out about which accomplishments make that person most proud, about goals for the future in general (not related to you), and what is she/he is doing to accomplish those goals. These conversations will show you how determined this person is. Plus, if your communication is good, you’re ahead in the game”. Abi always said: “those who can talk and laugh together, can live together.”

And, for your own safety, of course, never forget to make sure that this person is respectful of you physically, verbally, and emotionally.

Abi’s “marriage material” characteristics are things that you cannot request, create, nor change. Either they are there or they aren’t. So, don’t fool yourself thinking that the person will change.”

A close friend of mine, Maru, didn’t count on Abi’s advice. She met a man who was handsome and funny but whose only real interest was money. He had no moral values, he played cards and bet on horse races. He was disrespectful to her, and physically aggressive. Maru now accepts that she saw these warning signs, but chose to ignore them, hoping that he would change once they tied the nut. After a few agonizing years of marriage due to his constant abuses and cheating tendencies, he left her with a bruised body, and a broken soul. On top of everything, and using his financial power, he also made good on his threat of taking her son and her daughter away from her.

Unfortunately, Maru’s story is not that uncommon.

I never heard Abi talk about intuition. But in my experience, this is crucial in love affairs. On intuition, I have one thing to say: Trust yourself. There are many times that people feel that something is not right with their significant other, and ignore it. They easily disregard the signs in their stubbornness to go on with the relationship. However, they later realize – usually the hard way – that their intuition was right.

We know that no one is perfect, and will never be. So, once you find someone who’s “good marriage material” be ready to make some concessions from your list (I assume you have one already) of additional requirements that may not be as important in the big scheme of things.

Remember, no one has the recipe for happiness, but if you start with “good marriage material” your chances increase considerably.